To Darth Sidious



Originally posted on Oct 02, 2000
Unenlightened Soul
Thanks for your advice, choking and electrocution seemed to work very well. I say this because my evil minions went out and killed the accursed hero's comic relief and gratuitous love interest the very next day.
However, I now have another problem. In order to accomodate my rapidly expanding Legions of Doom, I have just moved into a new Fortress of Terror. Upon closer inspection, however, I have found that most of the rooms are not quite as dank, poorly-lit, and disheartening as what I saw on the realtor's walkthrough. I simply can't house minions or torture hapless prisoners in a well-lit room with clean floors and a pleasant, organic flow-through. Should I complain to Diabolic Realty, or are there ways to make my Fortress more foreboding? I really need some advice, because I'm expecting the hero to attempt a futile act of vengeance sometime this week.

The Gurus Respond:

Darth Sidious
Let's see, how to make a foreboding fortress...

Darth Sidious
Well, here it is. That was easy.

Darth Sidious
The first step into making your fortress foreboding is to make it float. Don't forget to keep part of the earth still attached to the bottom of the fortress. When deciding how much of the earth to take along, go for the jagged look, but keep the overall outline essentially hemispherical.

Darth Sidious
You will also need to attract massive amounts of either bats and/or carrion-eating birds to roost. You may have thought that these creatures were naturally attracted to evil, but they're not, you're going to have to work to get them!

Darth Sidious
Bats eat bugs, so leave some pools of standing water in the vicinity so mosquitoes can breed. Your basic vultures are a little easier to get: either slaughter some wildlife and leave it to rot in the sun, or throw disobedient and/or incompetent lackeys from the ramparts. Try not to have them land in the hole in the ground left by your fortress; for some reason the birds will not look in that area.

Darth Sidious
Finally, never underestimate the ambiance that sound can provide. Sure carpeting is comfortable on the feet(and/or tentacles), but what kind of long, dark, hallway doesn't have echoing footsteps? A non-evil hallway, that's what kind! Rip up that carpeting and lay down some flagstone or shale tile.

Darth Sidious
Well, there you go, if I might add my own advice, don't let your guards talk. Ever. A good silent alarm system is just so much more professional than a bunch of screaming guards.

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