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Someone Squished Michael Ironside's Face

February 26th, 2004, by Matt
 Organized crime. Top-grade fuel for the fantasies of your average repressed suburban dickhead. Kids come running for the meticulously planned heist and the car that explodes when you turn the key. They go nuts for the ritualized inter- and intra-gang politics. It's no surprise that a game like Grand Theft Auto III became such a phenomenon. Well, maybe it was if you'd played the previous versions.

But really, it was a hit mostly because of the radio stations, let's be honest. It wasn't because it was about organized crime, though it helped. It certainly wasn't because it was about crime in general. People like the melodramatic aspects of the criminal culture and maybe some random violence. Running numbers, shaking down the mom-and-pop stores on your turf, or collecting the cut from your taxicab stick-up cugines, while an important source of revenue for the real wiseguys, just doesn't make the list of cool things to do in a game.

Bandwagons being what they are, though, someone has misunderstood the appeal of the frontrunner in their attempt to cash in. TMOL is proud to present to you Poacher. Poacher is your ticket to the glamorous criminal underworld of cutting off a tiger's penis and selling it to an impotent Asian man for $4K. You play Roman Sar, brave Fetal Alcohol Syndrome poster boy, as he lives the dream of travelling the globe and shooting endangered animals in a quest to save up enough to buy a helicopter.

TMOL will keep you up to date on any future developments in games that let you simulate being a scumbag in Africa. Currently, rumors of "Diamond Mine Shift Supervisor" and "Rwandan Machete Importer" are just that.

Try My Product

February 24th, 2004, by Matt
 A new feature. Click here or your money back.

Fear, Sadness, Redmond

February 19th, 2004, by Matt
 Recently received in email:
What does the future of gaming look like? What are your hopes, dreams and fears? Do you wish you could influence game developers' decisions, but feel powerless to do so? Microsoft's "If You Ruled the Gaming World" contest gives you the power to change gaming forever. Tell us what games would be like if you ruled the world and be heard by the biggest developers and publishers in the business.
Not only are Microsoft unaware that the future of gaming will inevitably look almost exactly like the recent past of gaming and involve some sort of Grand Theft Auto clone set in the World War II era, they are so bad off that they are willing to accept help from people who are scared by videogames.

My tip for those who enter the contest in the hopes of winning the awesome prize of "we may fly to your house to film you and a friend and/or highlight your hopes on Xbox.com": enclose some piss wrung out of your pajamas to show just how scared you really are.

And on the contest page itself:
For years, gaming has wowed you. You've journeyed to distant worlds. You've laughed, screamed, and cried during epic deathmatch battles. You've experienced the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. It's been great, but it could be so much better!
Now, I've read Touched with Fire: Manic Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament, or at least have been told what it's about, so I can agree with the idea that emotional instability is often a characteristic of history's most creative people, and that maybe "the biggest developers and publishers in the business" could benefit from hearing some urine- and tear-fueled high concept pitches. But some people are just crazy, and those people cry during a deathmatch game.

Or maybe I'm just not seeing the potential for neuroses-based games. After all, slot machines and MMO's make a bundle off of OCD. OK, Microsoft, I'm in. Here you go: a combination squad tactics/agoraphobia sim: Hidden and Scared. Please don't waste your time flying to my house to film me and my friend, though; I won't answer the door.

Dignity to the Office Is Not a Powerup You Can Catch

February 17th, 2004, by Matt
Special thanks in advance to whomever gives out all the money for rehashing liberal political humor. I know you're out there somewhere, and I want my share. And Michael Moore's too, while I'm at it.
I spent the beginning of President's Day contemplating how the current one continues to bring genius improvements to our uniformly Christian, upper class, and heterosexual nation. Then I tried out R-Type Final. The President would probably not be good at this game, I must admit; though at least he would not need a physical to remain qualified to fly the R-9DV "Tears Shower" or the B-3C "Sexy Dynamite".

See, an important part of the game is launching "Force", the little attachment to your ship, across the screen, where it will blow up things along the way and stick onto tough enemies to wear them down for you. The President, as a uniter and not a divider, would just never want to divide his ship and "Force"— especially because when they're together is when they shoot the prettiest, most brightly-colored lasers. But it's an important part of the game, so he'd lose. Not like in Iraq, where he's close to a big unity win, uniting the three major factions in the belief that they should have a civil war as soon as we leave.

Still, Eidos should probably send him a copy, he's due for another month-long vacation any day now.

BitTorrent Author Bram Cohen Now Working for Valve

February 12th, 2004, by Matt
 According to a New York Times article, he's been working for them since October. But the latest Steam update makes it official.

That Keg O' Health Does NOT Contain Malt Liquor

February 12th, 2004, by Matt
 The Unreal Tournament 2004 demo is simply the finest version of Battlefield 1942 to come out in the last five months. Click to read the mini-review.

Moments of Insight, of Fine Personal Relation

February 10th, 2004, by Matt
 A new feature today, one that shows you how to contribute to public safety by visiting amateur news sites. Thankfully, the danger posed is restricted to news sites, and amateur review sites can, and should, still be avoided, because finding a gem such as
Knights of the Old Republic plays like a fantastically detailed MMORPG - without all the annoying human players and with heaps of story and atmosphere instead.
is not worth your time and effort, which would be much better spent clicking on TMOL's Google ads or buying things through TMOL's Things From Another World ad. Think of it this way, you'd be joining an elite group of TMOL visitors currently comprising a little under one percent of the rapidly shrinking total audience.

Finally, Some Recognition

February 5th, 2004, by Matt
From: Gogamer.com
Date: Wednesday, February 04, 2004 5:55 PM
To: Matthew Gallant
Subject: Re: Affiliate Program

Dear Matthew,

We apologize for having to reject your application but we are only accepting gaming websites i.e. PC games, Mac, Xbox, PS2, and gaming groups.

Regards,
Robert

Promise Me Son, Not to Do the Things I've Done

February 3rd, 2004, by Matt
 A couple of things happened since last Thursday, and this cryptic allusion to them is all you're going to read about them here. You're welcome. Let's talk about something else.

Pitfall Harry was like the subject of a 1950s-early 60s country/folk ode to masculinity, but instead of killing bears or Liberty Valance for fun, he used to regularly stand on crocodiles' eyes. But, like the subject of a 1970s country/folk ode to masculinity, he did it because he couldn't swim. Now, this: Pitfall Harry kicking a very large, but still just a penguin, penguin. On its face, not very manly, apart from the wearing of a short-sleeve shirt in the Antarctic. The description on the Pitfall website is as follows: "Not entirely friendly, penguins will slam into you if you get too close. What are they protecting?" Now, of course Activision already knows the answer to this and is just posing the question rhetorically to pique your interest in what a waddling, flightless bird is protecting. Did it work? Someone probably spent four expensive years learning how to properly lend an air of mystery and menace (or at least "not entirely non-menace") to the avian equivalent of a fat guy with his pants around his ankles, so I hope so. I'm going to go way out on a limb and say it's a giant, egg-shaped jewel, but if I had my way it would be the predicate of a 1980s country/folk ode to masculinity, the girlfriend whose rape at the hand/flipper of three penguin brothers finally pushes Harry to drop the vow of pacifism made to his dying father.
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