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Rockstar's Manhunt: A Defense

January 8thth, 2004, by Matt
Fame can do some strange things to a group of people. On the one hand we have Rockstar North, makers of the phenomenal Grand Theft Auto series, and on the other hand, we have five gay men in New York City who have a hit TV show called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. One of these groups used the opportunities their newfound fame provided to make something called Manhunt, and the other group made a music video with a director who has previously done videos for Megadeth and Pantera.

Since I don't know much about music or video, the only comment I feel qualified to make about this particular one is that it looks like a ripoff of the dumb part of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Also, the idea that it takes five gay men to equal one Matthew Broderick when it comes to the power to make an entire city dance is somewhat sad, though it does give me an idea for a remake of WarGames.

However, I am grateful that Queer Eye became such a big hit, even though it meant a music video would be produced. Not because I'm so drawn in by their panache and whatever else the show claims gay people automatically gain during character generation, but rather because it means I can look forward to the inevitable release of more shows combining entertainment and practicality, one or more of which is guaranteed to be just as entertaining, yet more utilitarian to my personal shortcomings-- perhaps a show where five jews show some guy how to really work the stock market and yell at him for not ledgering his debit card purchases. I'm looking forward to that.

For the moment though, I'm stuck. Comparing my budget to the clothes, food, and household items so thoughtfully detailed on the show, it seems that even if I thought a red sportcoat meant "hip" instead of "valet", the only part of the gay-approved lifestyle I can afford is giving handjobs to strangers in restrooms and maybe an occasional purchase of clean underwear. I don't even live in New York, so I can't get any gratis high-end gay by agreeing to let Carson touch my hot ass and make suggestive comments.

However, the point isn't that I don't find the show useful or that I don't like their music video. The point is that the gay men are probably still gay even though they made a terrible and un-fabulous music video in which the tiny, dancing Jai gets dance-humped by a woman. And that means that Rockstar can still be straight even though they made a videogame called Manhunt. If you're asking yourself at this point why it even matters when we're all the same inside, well I'm just showing concern on behalf of Rockstar's legal team. They already have to deal with a bunch of lawsuits claiming their games have turned kids into killers.

Unfortunately, once I set out to prove Manhunt isn't gay, it turned out to be far easier than expected. Simply put, Manhunt cannot possibly be as gay as its name implies because gay is exciting and energetic and Manhunt is dull and repetitive. And the only things that get thrust into men's faces are chainsaws.

Footnote: TMOL would like to thank Manhunt.net for providing relevant information.

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