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Posted by: Alfred "Pack-Man" Packer

February 10thth, 2004, by Matt
As the post-holiday game release schedule quickly grinds to a halt, some of you may be wondering what the thousands of generic gaming websites that tell you what is being posted on another gaming website will do without their staple of exhaustively listing other people's reviews and previews. You're right to be concerned; TMOL scientists have proven that since they both contain the word "copy", running one of these copy and paste websites is about half a mental step away from being a copycat serial killer. So it's best if these fellas stay occupied cannibalizing press release content instead of the local neighborhood's penises. If you wish to do your part to keep these proto-lunatic quasi-webmasters away from America's mighty phalluses, then you will need to support at least one of these sites. The choice can be a confusing one, but luckily TMOL has done all the work for you.

The first way you can narrow down which sites are run by someone whose homicidal impulses can still be placated is to pick one whose infrequent exclusive interviews with product manager marketing schmucks and associate producers don't start with "Tell us who you are and what you do." This is a trick question. Of course the interviewers should know this information beforehand and should tell it to you themselves instead of making the interviewee tell you, but they're asking just in case the answer includes "My hobby is looking for someone who will kill me after pan-frying my genitals." Unfortunately, at the time of this writing there was no generic gaming website that does not do this, so your best bet is to hope that the one you end up picking has no nefarious agenda and is just honestly interviewing random people and asking them who they are and what they do until they find someone who works in the game industry, then posting their interview as-is.

The second and final step is to eliminate those whose URL's are a mix of variations on the word "game" and some sort of mental illness, and those whose URL's are a mix of variations on the word "game" and a neologistic hyper-masculine totem word like "superpimp". You can avoid the first since they're obviously already too far gone, the second, because a serial killer on the loose who also thinks he's funny will at least be caught quickly. Since this leaves five, maybe six websites out of a thousand whose contributors aren't already about to snap, this article will end by including the phrase "cast iron jockstrap and stun gun" in the hopes that Google AdSense will pick it up and serve an appropriate and necessary ad.

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